I-90 will be closed tomorrow across South Dakota. They're hauling a 200 ton lump of coal so they can add Obama to Mount Rushmore. They couldn't find a 200 ton piece of manure.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Great News!
Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2010 Obama Stimulus Package. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish.
Hope you get yours soon.
My Father Is A Stripper In A Gay Bar
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.'
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him,
'Is that really true about your father?'
'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'
Monday, January 11, 2010
Obama and the Robot Bartender
A guy goes into a bar and there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says," What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about sports, Budweiser, and the new car models.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says," What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about sports, Budweiser, and the new car models.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
Barack Obama the Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually, the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.
The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘Post Turtle’
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.
The old rancher said, ‘When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’ ‘.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain, ‘You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumbass put him up there to begin with.
The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘Post Turtle’
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.
The old rancher said, ‘When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’ ‘.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain, ‘You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumbass put him up there to begin with.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
An Obama Christmas
"In Washington this week, of course, President Obama is expecting a visit from Santa Claus. Finally, an invited guest at the White House for a change." –Jay Leno
"President Obama says that this year for Christmas his daughters want an iPod, video games and some books. But boy — you should have seen the looks on their faces when he told them instead they're both getting universal healthcare." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama's daughter Sasha says that she already bought her dad's gift. She won't say what it is but she did say, 'It's something he likes.' Which begs the question: How did an 8-year-old get her hands on a carton of Marlboro Lights?" –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama says that this year for Christmas his daughters want an iPod, video games and some books. But boy — you should have seen the looks on their faces when he told them instead they're both getting universal healthcare." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama's daughter Sasha says that she already bought her dad's gift. She won't say what it is but she did say, 'It's something he likes.' Which begs the question: How did an 8-year-old get her hands on a carton of Marlboro Lights?" –Conan O'Brien
Monday, January 4, 2010
Obama confronts White House Party Crashers
It has been revealed that not only did Barack Obama speak with Tareq and Michaele Salahi who crashed a White House party, but he actually confronted them about their lack of an invitation:
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