A guy goes into a bar and there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says," What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about sports, Budweiser, and the new car models.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
Monday, January 11, 2010
Barack Obama the Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually, the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.
The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘Post Turtle’
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.
The old rancher said, ‘When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’ ‘.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain, ‘You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumbass put him up there to begin with.
The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘Post Turtle’
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.
The old rancher said, ‘When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’ ‘.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain, ‘You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumbass put him up there to begin with.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
An Obama Christmas
"In Washington this week, of course, President Obama is expecting a visit from Santa Claus. Finally, an invited guest at the White House for a change." –Jay Leno
"President Obama says that this year for Christmas his daughters want an iPod, video games and some books. But boy — you should have seen the looks on their faces when he told them instead they're both getting universal healthcare." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama's daughter Sasha says that she already bought her dad's gift. She won't say what it is but she did say, 'It's something he likes.' Which begs the question: How did an 8-year-old get her hands on a carton of Marlboro Lights?" –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama says that this year for Christmas his daughters want an iPod, video games and some books. But boy — you should have seen the looks on their faces when he told them instead they're both getting universal healthcare." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama's daughter Sasha says that she already bought her dad's gift. She won't say what it is but she did say, 'It's something he likes.' Which begs the question: How did an 8-year-old get her hands on a carton of Marlboro Lights?" –Conan O'Brien
Monday, January 4, 2010
Obama confronts White House Party Crashers
It has been revealed that not only did Barack Obama speak with Tareq and Michaele Salahi who crashed a White House party, but he actually confronted them about their lack of an invitation:
Barack Obama reduces rates for phone calls to the USA
Bill Clinton, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her
that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally Bill Clinton gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Clinton got to call the USA free.
The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her
that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally Bill Clinton gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Clinton got to call the USA free.
The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
What did you want to give Barack Obama for Christmas?
From a poll with this article by Chuck Norris:
A court ruling booting his ineligible self from office 25% (1392)
A one-way ticket back to Kenya 20% (1118)
An ultimatum: Show me your long-form, hospital-generated birth certificate, or get out of the White House 12% (636)
An arrest warrant 9% (510)
An impeachment hearing 9% (491)
A new spirit that doesn't hate America and all the positive principles that have made it the greatest nation on Earth 6% (338)
A different country to destroy 4% (232)
I have nothing left to give him. He's taken everything 4% (202)
A pink slip 4% (198)
Other 1% (77)
The U.S. Constitution on CD or DVD, since he obviously hasn't read it 1% (77)
A Bible 1% (71)
A whole new set of advisers who actually like America 1% (45)
A taste of his own health "reform" 1% (30)
A big, fat lump of coal 0% (26)
A video of candidate Obama so he can be reminded of all the unkept promises that brought him to office 0% (15)
Concern for human life 0% (13)
His photograph on the U.S. food stamp 0% (9)
A court ruling booting his ineligible self from office 25% (1392)
A one-way ticket back to Kenya 20% (1118)
An ultimatum: Show me your long-form, hospital-generated birth certificate, or get out of the White House 12% (636)
An arrest warrant 9% (510)
An impeachment hearing 9% (491)
A new spirit that doesn't hate America and all the positive principles that have made it the greatest nation on Earth 6% (338)
A different country to destroy 4% (232)
I have nothing left to give him. He's taken everything 4% (202)
A pink slip 4% (198)
Other 1% (77)
The U.S. Constitution on CD or DVD, since he obviously hasn't read it 1% (77)
A Bible 1% (71)
A whole new set of advisers who actually like America 1% (45)
A taste of his own health "reform" 1% (30)
A big, fat lump of coal 0% (26)
A video of candidate Obama so he can be reminded of all the unkept promises that brought him to office 0% (15)
Concern for human life 0% (13)
His photograph on the U.S. food stamp 0% (9)
Obama comments on terrorist teacher arrested in New York
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow ...
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow ...
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